Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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