Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
