I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
being pregnant is like rehab
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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