I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
