Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
