Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
