Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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