I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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