He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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