Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
