i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
