is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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