I want you more than these girls want KFC
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
