You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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