We're like a lot better than the average bears
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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