and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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