i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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