Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
