They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
