Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
