Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
