My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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