Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
