Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
