somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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