I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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