Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
