I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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