I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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