i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
