accomplished twins. life is a go
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
high people should be assigned attendants
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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