i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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