on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
