lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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