It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
