pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
