it's too hot outside to masturbate.
barbara walters just said penis...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
