When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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