i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
