it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
