Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
