I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
