I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Damn victory sex feels great
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
