I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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