He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
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