so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
