Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
