Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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