i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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