Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
