The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
