I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
